You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
