D3 body, D1 cock
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
