You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
