Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
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