he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
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