mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
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