Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
