and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
