Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
