And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
