I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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