omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
