I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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