Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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