dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
