That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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