Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
