I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I just gift wrapped bread.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I'm getting married
To pizza
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
