That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
