marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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