for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
