I'm gonna have a badass scar
You work out of a Hotel?
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
love makes seman taste better
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
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