I don't usually arrange sex via text message
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
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