K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I think I won the penis lottery.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
