we might have left him a semi topless video on his wall. godd i just hope they suspend my accont so i stop doing thses things.....
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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