i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
