Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
