Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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