I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
