1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Randomize
