Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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