I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Randomize
