I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Randomize
