yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
