you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
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