I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
