We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
