I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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