1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
