i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
