Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
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