Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
