she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
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