Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize