I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
