we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Randomize
