Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
