Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
