I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
