I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
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