why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
