I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
