based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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