Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize