Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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