Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
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