was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
